Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

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crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle


the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else


Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.


[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”


I accidentally walked into the women’s room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn’t be awkward.


just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait


You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.


I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.


[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable


Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?