Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
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Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)