@Fuzzy_sue

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

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@cowboyjeffkent

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

@sixfootcandy

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

@Diversion50

IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?

ME: He’s a well known, gimmick.

IAN: Really?

ME: That’s Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.

@amazymay72x

My 12yo son’s protip:

Buy larger sized clothes and you’ll look like you lost weight. You’re welcome.

@mom_ontherocks

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

@lgbk44

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

@Marlebean

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

@ewfeez

Start reading to your kids as early as possible. I start around 2:30 a.m.

@ybbaaabby

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

@mexinonblonde

*jumps on stage and snatches up mic and screams*

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!

*gets escorted out of church*