*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
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It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Seas the day!!!!
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.