professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
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AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
[Inventing Cotton Candy]
What if insulation was delicious?