[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

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professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who


AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine


Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”


Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.


Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.


I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.


The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.