[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
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If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..