@susie_dent

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

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@Robert_Beau

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

@UrCajunKuzin

I told myself that I wouldn’t drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.

@thetigersez

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

@iGreenMonk

My Wife: Why are you home so early?

Me: My boss told me to go to hell

@junejuly12

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

@GodfreyElfwick

I suggest now is the time to send ISIS some *very* strongly worded emails – then hit them with the biggest petition they’ve ever seen.

@dixinormus10

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

@Hammyinmiami

Guys love their balls so much that they may even polish them! All to knock down a pin?