I think about this a lot
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Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now