We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
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Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
british sex workers really pound for pound
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
me opening up to someone
your honor my client chooses dare
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.