“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
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Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Pat is about to own someone
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it