Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
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I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.