[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
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That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.