*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
You Might Also Like
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Batman v Dracula