@TragicAllyHere

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

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@dog_feelings

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

@ChicksRule

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

@better_off_dad

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

@LizHackett

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

@VeganZebra

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

@LostFelicia

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

@fro_vo

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

@chuuew

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

@bourgeoisalien

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

@kyle_thatisall

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk