Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

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I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.


Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.


Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.


Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?


I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.


I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun


How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?


If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.


As Newton once said, “For every male action, there is a female over-reaction”.


I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”