A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
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i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there