@Mr_Kapowski

[types symptoms into WebMD]

WebMD: Eww. Gross.

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@the_hawlk

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

@byronblurb

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

@ReeMURDA

I promise, I’m only gonna have 2 beers tonight…. 2 beers in dog beers

@Aaerios

Dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower is the most violent sound ever. “U OK in there? Sounds like a Michael Bay film in that bathroom!”

@sbellelauren

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

@Serious_Law_Guy

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

@alexlumaga

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

@TheTalkingPipe

Her dad said he’d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.

@botandy

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

@Phook75

Seriously considering robbing the ski mask store down the street but I’m having the hardest time deciding what to wear