[types symptoms into WebMD]

WebMD: Eww. Gross.

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Twitter is cool because it makes me look like I’m texting my friends instead of talking to myself.


[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now


Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.


I assume everybody appreciates free snacks, so when I see someone yawning I throw a piece of black licorice in their mouth.


Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.


Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.


“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys


Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.

Me: How many more until you get a personality?