Twitter is cool because it makes me look like I’m texting my friends instead of talking to myself.
[types symptoms into WebMD]
WebMD: Eww. Gross.
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[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I assume everybody appreciates free snacks, so when I see someone yawning I throw a piece of black licorice in their mouth.
Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.
Me: How many more until you get a personality?
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.