[types symptoms into WebMD]

WebMD: Eww. Gross.

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SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*


Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.


I promise, I’m only gonna have 2 beers tonight…. 2 beers in dog beers


Dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower is the most violent sound ever. “U OK in there? Sounds like a Michael Bay film in that bathroom!”


whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work


Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.


*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro


Her dad said he’d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.


9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon


Seriously considering robbing the ski mask store down the street but I’m having the hardest time deciding what to wear