*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
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The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Need this in my life lol
Yup….perfect score!
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.