Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
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Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
oppen heimer style lol
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Feel. He’s so soft.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies