*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

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I have a new phone charger but I also have a teenage daughter which means I somehow have an old charger and she has a new one.


I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.


I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.


What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog


Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house


[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married


Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher