[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
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Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic