@gibbet

Typos.

The Greek God of spelling errors.

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@Darlainky

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

@AsgardianRose

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

@McGrumpenstein

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

@Donna_McCoy

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

@aotakeo

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

@SonOfCha

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

@GingerHotDish

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

@DrDogMD

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one