The Greek God of spelling errors.

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You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.


Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.


*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.


What do we want?

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”


me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?


When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.


I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*


NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one