The Greek God of spelling errors.

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Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that


‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.


God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it


The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.


If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk


Boss: you spend a lot of time on your phone!

Me: you spend too much time watching me. Don’t you have work to do?


Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.


Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.