You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
The Greek God of spelling errors.
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Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”
When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Drugs are bad…when they wear off.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one