@gibbet
@blaha_Who
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
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@blaha_Who
@ItsAndyRyan
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
@harrows_
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
@Token_Geezer
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
@Jake_Vig
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
@JermHimselfish
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can’t remember the lyrics.
@WheelTod
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
@salamingia
Boss: you spend a lot of time on your phone!
Me: you spend too much time watching me. Don’t you have work to do?
@ScottLinnen
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
@kimlockhartga
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.