Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
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My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he鈥檚 my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he鈥檚 my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he鈥檚 my soulmate.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Espa帽ol?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap 鈥榚m, slap 鈥榚m hard
i鈥檓 on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don鈥檛 know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you鈥檇 be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Me: sorry I鈥檓 late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don鈥檛 believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 馃樁
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
My birth announcement for our third baby
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You鈥檙e not gonna believe this
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I鈥檝e completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I鈥檓 devastated.