TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
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I told my vodka about you.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
This headline is a thing of beauty
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same