Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
u?op ?p?sdn p?u?n?-p?dd??? ?ob ???? ??
?o? ?noq? ??? ??o?s ? s? s??? ‘?ou
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When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Apparently you can’t have a normal conversation with someone these days if you haven’t seen ‘game of thrones’ or ‘stranger things’
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.