I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
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?o? ?noq? ??? ??o?s ? s? s??? ‘?ou
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My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
they’ve hired a PR firm