uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
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A woman drives into a bar.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.