u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
You Might Also Like
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.