[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
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Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
@ candidates for local office
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby