U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
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Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Yeah. This was me today.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.