u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

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The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.


I’m sleeping in this morning.



Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.


Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.


The little girl behind me asked her mom what murder was, confirming my suspicious that Sesame Street doesn’t prepare you for the real world.


Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now


This holiday season add that extra magic with a dollop of mayo on your hot cocoa


Every time I get a call from an unknown number I add them to my emergency contacts because I thrive on chaos.


ME: so basically it’s like the batsignal except it’s the golden arches so you know when the mcrib is back
SANTA: please get off my lap