My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
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Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
I absolutely recommend falling in love with your twitter crush and traveling about 3612 miles to boink them.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
“more like president PAJAMA” *obama jumps into pj’s, congress full of 12 year olds is pleased*
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I just died ????????????????????