u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

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My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.


Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.


I absolutely recommend falling in love with your twitter crush and traveling about 3612 miles to boink them.


[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]


“more like president PAJAMA” *obama jumps into pj’s, congress full of 12 year olds is pleased*


I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due


Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.


Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.


Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him