@MikeBigby

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

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@VerbsRProudest

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

@AzahelZamora

Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.

@megbada

I absolutely recommend falling in love with your twitter crush and traveling about 3612 miles to boink them.

@justabloodygame

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

@wankcity

“more like president PAJAMA” *obama jumps into pj’s, congress full of 12 year olds is pleased*

@bossy_bootz

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

@TheTweetOfGod

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

@Jazzzzzmina

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

@English_Channel

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him