As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
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75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Picture me naked.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.