@Rlpihl

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

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@timdonakowski

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

@envydatropic

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

@dubiousgenius

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

@HenpeckedHal

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

@Jandalize

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

@KMoFlo_official

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

@KentWGraham

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

@Cherbearxo

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

@secondofhername

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

@copymama

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.