u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
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Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food