U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
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[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer