John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
You Might Also Like
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
how much for the angry fruit?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”