U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

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recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left


Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself


Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb


I can’t make you love me but I can tie you up and feed you until you’re too fat to be loved by anyone else.


My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.


I feel sorry for people that haven’t found their true love. My sister is on her 5th.


I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.


Nothing solves all of life’s biggest problems like a well-timed, awkward & overly complicated kick to the face. -The Karate Kid.


[first date]

Date: I’m really big into astrology, I’m a Scorpio

Me: *trying to impress* I’m a tarantula