U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
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[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL