@Flora__Flora

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

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@aligarchy

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

@donni

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

@Chhapiness

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

@st00pidfast

I can’t make you love me but I can tie you up and feed you until you’re too fat to be loved by anyone else.

@HenpeckedHal

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

@Mulva74

I feel sorry for people that haven’t found their true love. My sister is on her 5th.

@TheRolo

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

@AristotlesNZ

Nothing solves all of life’s biggest problems like a well-timed, awkward & overly complicated kick to the face. -The Karate Kid.

@DaddyJew

[first date]

Date: I’m really big into astrology, I’m a Scorpio

Me: *trying to impress* I’m a tarantula