U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

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My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.


Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.


Thanks for telling me to take some ibuprofen for my headache, hotshot. If we’re ever in an apocalypse and need a doctor, I’m nominating you!


People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.



-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.


21st century divorce:
I want it stipulated that he can’t change the Netflix password.


? she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ?


A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too