…u ok Nintendo?
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Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Saturday
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?