U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
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On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.