“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
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Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
The French word for sex is croissant.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.