“U put on suntan lotion?”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*

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I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.


“My anger began to flow through me like hot mountain sweat..”

Um, don’t you mean “Lava”?

“…like warm hill pee”


If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.


“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”



If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.


I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.


[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course


Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.