@BrownDogBlanket

Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking.

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@JustFingKatie

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”nnGood job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

@ImaFlyontheWall

Me: So you’re an Atheist?
Him: Yup!
Me: So what year is it?
Him: 2015
Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?

@In_A_YamChele

my nephew is 13 and starting to ask girls on dates. so he asked my brother what was the best way to ask a girl on a date and he told him to find something they were both interested in and ask if she wanted to do it.
so my nephew asked the girl if she liked chicken nuggets.

@adamhess1

So glad I finally got around to correcting that spelling mistake I made to the girl I fancied 8 years ago

@JMFnSparks

Dear men,

I can make your girl scream louder than you can ever make her!

Love,
Spiders

@NintenDom

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

@ClichedOut

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

@KayRants

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

@juneohara65

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.