[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
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[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”