uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
You Might Also Like
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I’m confused about plants
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
There is no try. There is only give up.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids