Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
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ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
me: dad, how do i make a girl like me
dad: treat her like a princess
me: [executes her in a socialist revolution]
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.