Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
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My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Taliband
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.