@Sharronica

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

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@KylePlantEmoji

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

@Brampersandon_

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

@celizario

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

@XplodingUnicorn

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

@AbbieEvansXO

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

@BYGH

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

@lifeadvice_4you

me: dad, how do i make a girl like me

dad: treat her like a princess

{later}

me: [executes her in a socialist revolution]

@Browtweaten

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

@longwall26

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

@EJT___

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.