Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
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My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic