Thursday
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Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Story of my life…..
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?