Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
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When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.