@CarelWillemse

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

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@TheNardvark

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

@Multitudes8

M: I rear-ended some girl today

W: Oh how much damage to her car

M: Car?

@RykWeston

The girl at the Baskins-Robbins thinks Leonardo da Vinci was “in that Titanic movie”. Now my ice cream tastes like stupid.

@AbbyHasIssues

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

@abbycohenwl

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

@david8hughes

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water