There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
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Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
M: I rear-ended some girl today
W: Oh how much damage to her car
The girl at the Baskins-Robbins thinks Leonardo da Vinci was “in that Titanic movie”. Now my ice cream tastes like stupid.
We should teach North Korea a lesson and send them James Franco.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
“I’m glad to see you”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank