UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
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I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever