@evilbart24

Uber driver: ……….

Me: ………..

Uber driver: …………

Me: ………….

Uber driver: ………….

Me: …………….

Uber driver: …………….

Me: ………………

Uber driver: you have arrived

Me: 5 Stars

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@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

@junejuly12

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

@starrysappho

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

@ScobeyWanKenobi

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

@Ygrene

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

@ibid78

Pouring water on someone’s head to promote something is kinda weird. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go baptize some babies.

@Dani_Feld

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

@nachosarah

I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up

@WhrTheBrainRots

If I consider you a friend, I’ll be there for you. With an ear, a shoulder, a drill, a shovel, an alibi – whatever you need to feel better.

@Senor_LongDong

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*