Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
😆this is so true
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
britain’s three elite institutions
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
is this how new cars are made??
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*