For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
You Might Also Like
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected