Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
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If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’