Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
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Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
become ungovernable
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.