Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
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When ur friends with white people
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
“not by volume”
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
She: OMG I’m so wet.
Me: *hands her roll of paper towels*