Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
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Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
The internet is magic sometimes.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is