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[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Still cracks me up
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself