Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

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Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.


If Lebron’s so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.


[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog


Two red blood cells met and fell in love. But alas, it was in vein.


GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!


So far at work I’ve straightened a paper clip then tried bending it back to its original shape. Employee of the month right here.


9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?


I went out today

There were people there

0 out of 5 stars, wouldn’t recommend


don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue


Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.