@katya_411

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

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@Lottie_Poppie

My daughter has been watching a lot of Peppa Pig lately and has started calling me Mummy Pig. I’m not fond of this development

@UncleDuke1969

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ???????? ??????????? ????????
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

@tsm560

I just blocked myself. I’m not putting up with this shit either.

@TheBoydP

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

@jessokfine

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

@better_off_dad2

14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’

@fishbowel

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

@TheMichaelRock

Wife: were you even listening to me?

Me: no

Wife: then what did I just s…wait, what?

Me: I said no

Wife: I’m not sure what to do now

@BuckyIsotope

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

@2Saddington

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures