My daughter has been watching a lot of Peppa Pig lately and has started calling me Mummy Pig. I’m not fond of this development
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
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Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ???????? ??????????? ????????
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I just blocked myself. I’m not putting up with this shit either.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Wife: were you even listening to me?
Wife: then what did I just s…wait, what?
Me: I said no
Wife: I’m not sure what to do now
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures