uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
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I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
A leaf blower, but for people.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
This hospital has everything
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Social distancing in Australia:
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.